Have Gratitude for Others—and Yourself
In a recent episode of “The Tim Ferriss Show” podcast, Tim asked his guest Dax Shepard the following question: “if you had a billboard...to get any message, word, or image out to billions of people...what might you put on that billboard?”
After a few moments of deliberation, Dax answered: “Be as kind and forgiving to yourself as you are to the people you love.”
Wow. This one hit close to home for me. I’m my own worst critic. I internalize mistakes. I try to put on a happy face for others, but get caught up in my own head. I don’t often lash out. However, I frequently lash in.
I rationalize that by punishing myself, I’m not punishing others. But of course I am. The punishment I inflict results in me being emotionally unavailable, especially for those closest to me. The stories I tell myself when I perceive myself as having failed prevent me from accepting the kindness and compassion of others. As a result, kind overtures are dismissed rather than being accepted with gratitude.
Here in the United States, it is the season of giving thanks, of being grateful. Unfortunately, with the pandemic raging, for many this season will be tinged with sadness, anxiety, or depression. Gratitude may be a hard emotion to muster.
But it’s worth striving for.
There are numerous benefits to gratitude, especially when outwardly expressed, including greater happiness and life satisfaction, as well as physical health and mental wellbeing.
It’s something I’m working on, and I have a ways to go, but I’ve come to believe that, in order to consistently and generously express gratitude to others, we must be kind and compassionate to ourselves.
The word gratitude is derived from the Latin word gratia, which in addition to meaning grateful, also means grace. Grace is “an act of kindness,” and it’s something that we should extend to everyone, especially ourselves, during these trying times.
Jennifer Louden writes: “Self-care is not selfish or self-indulgent. We cannot nurture others from a dry well. We need to take care of our own needs first, so that we can give from our surplus, our abundance.”
In addition to being the season of giving thanks, it’s also approaching goal-setting season for the new year. Every year, I try to set goals for myself in order to establish productive and beneficial new habits. In particular, I seek to establish new keystone habits. Charles Duhigg defines keystone habits as “small changes or habits that people introduce into their routines that unintentionally carry over into other aspects of their lives.”
As we approach the end of a year like no other, why stick to conventions? We can set goals and establish habits anytime, so why not right now? I, for one, am going to immediately begin working on the habit of extending myself self-compassion. My goal, therefore, is to be more capable of expressing more well-deserved gratitude to others.
Is this an objective that resonates with you? By all means, join me in this journey.
Louise Hall writes: “You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
I’m willing to give it a try. We all can and should. The world will be a better, and more grateful, place for it.
